


in the cold

by determination



Category: The Chronicles of Chrestomanci - Diana Wynne Jones
Genre: Introspection, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-28
Updated: 2021-01-28
Packaged: 2021-03-13 21:00:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 963
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29035071
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/determination/pseuds/determination
Summary: Of thinking, shivering, and being Conrad Tesdinic.
Relationships: Christopher Chant/Conrad Tesdinic
Kudos: 3





	in the cold

**Author's Note:**

> wrote this sometime in december to experiment with first person again. still not sure if it suits my writing, but it is fun to write that way <:3  
> please no criticism or critiques. thank you!

I woke up with the feeling that I was supposed to be awake. It was almost the sort of urgency when you realize you overslept and are going to be late for school or work or whatever. When I checked the time, though, I found it was barely 4am. The castle was still sleeping, and I should have been, too. I couldn’t figure out why I’d felt so strongly that I needed to wake up. 

The trouble was that waking up that way made it that much harder to fall back asleep. I tried lying back down and closing my eyes but my skin was buzzing with energy and my head felt fuzzy and full of thoughts I couldn’t put into words. It became apparent that I would not be sleeping again anytime soon. I sighed and got up. 

There was something nice about Chrestomanci Castle at night. A fragile tranquility. For example, you knew the castle spells muffled sound, but you still felt compelled to tiptoe down the stairs anyway, just in case someone woke up and overheard you. Like one wrong, overly-noisy step would break the silence and echo through the whole castle, letting everyone know your ridiculous brain decided you weren’t allowed to sleep. 

When I stepped outside, I rather wished I thought to grab a jacket. To my surprise, it had begun snowing overnight and a light blanket had covered the ground. The cold air blew right through my pyjamas and seeped into my shoes. I shivered and hugged my arms around me. In a way, it felt nice. This was a normal reaction to the cold, and my body was working to raise my temperature. It meant I was alive. I liked that. 

I stood out there for some time, shivering and looking up at the falling snow and the white sky. The sky should have been dark, considering the hour, but the snow made everything white. That was something special about winter. Even though night felt so long, it was always bright. I liked winter. That, and it reminded me of home.

Home was good and bad memories. It was the bustle of holiday tourism, the smell of books, old clothes that didn’t fit anymore, the chilly wind blowing over the mountains. It was the longing for something better, the loneliness, the regrets of being complacent and ignorant, the retroactive knowledge that I could have changed nothing. It was the warmth of sisterly caretaking, the camaraderie of school friendships, of daydreaming about the future and looking forward to being independent. It was the subtle brainwashing, the fear, the realization that I never knew as much as I thought I did, and that I didn’t have to blame myself for everything. 

I shivered and thought and felt the snow cling to my hair and clothes. I didn’t mind remembering. It didn’t hurt so much anymore, now that I was older and had taken time to process. But it also didn’t feel good, really. That’s why I preferred to do it at times like this. 4am, standing in the falling snow, I almost felt like I wasn’t anyone. 

“You’ll make yourself ill,” came a voice behind me. I jumped and looked round to find Christopher had joined me outside. I had no idea when he’d come. I probably hadn’t heard anything because I had been so lost in thought. Then I felt a little guilty, thinking that I’d woken him up. I opened my mouth to apologize, but he didn’t give me a chance. “Come on, let’s go inside.”

He meant well. To be fair, I had been standing out here for a while. Too long would mean frostbite, or possibly hypothermia if I was extra reckless. But I didn’t want to go inside yet. I liked shivering in the snow and not being Conrad Tesdinic for a bit. 

“Not yet,” I said. I looked away, though I didn’t miss the frown he gave me. He wasn’t mad or annoyed. He was worried, and didn’t want me endangering myself. I liked that, too. It felt nice to have people who actually cared about me. Maybe that’s why I was learning to care about myself.

“What are you doing, anyway?” Christopher asked. He stepped closer and wrapped his arms around me. Usually I was annoyed that he was taller than me, but I actually kind of liked it when he rested his chin on my shoulder and I could feel his warmth all over from behind me. 

I leaned back against him. I didn’t really know how to put it into words, so I just said, “Nothing.” Christopher sighed but didn’t pressure me for an answer. I thought I felt the telltale jolt of him casting a spell, and soon realized that I wasn’t so cold. He did it to help me. Even so, I was almost annoyed because I was out here specifically to feel that cold. 

Then I had a thought. I was hurting myself by doing this. It was stupid to stand out in the cold in my pyjamas. How could I claim I was learning to care about myself when I was doing something stupid and harmful? 

I scrunched up my face, then abruptly wriggled until I was facing Christopher and hugged him tightly. He seemed surprised at first, but then he chuckled and lifted a hand to brush snow out of my hair. In that position, I could feel the exhaustion in my limbs and eyelids. I put all my weight against him, and he laughed. “Ready to go inside?” he asked.

There was the hidden question under that.  _ Am I ready to be Conrad Tesdinic again? _ It didn’t take much time or thought to come to a conclusion.

“Yeah,” I said, and meant it.


End file.
